


Giving Flowers Is Really Old-Fashioned But Then Again So Are Spies

by robospookguetti



Category: Borderlands, Tales from the Borderlands - Fandom
Genre: AU where Rhys owns a flower shop instead of being a salesman, Agender Character, Asexual Character, Asexual relantionship, Attempt at Humor, M/M, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-01
Updated: 2017-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-10 23:00:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 10,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5604187
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/robospookguetti/pseuds/robospookguetti
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story about that one time an assassin needed the help of a florist to complete their mission.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. When I Said This Was Just Warm Up I Didn't Mean It That Way

**Author's Note:**

> [Tyelperin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tyelperin) helped me with so many corrections that half this chapter has been written by them.

Rhys likes flowers and people. That’s kinda his thing. Some would be surprised to learn that having a florist on Helios Station could be a profitable business. But it is. If there is a place in the universe where people need to apologize, and do it often, it’s Helios. There is always the usual customer in need of some _I’m Sorry I Stole Your Promotion_ or _I’m Sorry You Know How These Fucking Corporations Work_ cards.

 

It makes Rhys wonder ‘cause, to be honest, people on Helios are not that bad. They can be corporate assholes for the most part, yeah, but it’s just because they know they have to be so in order to survive, but almost all of them mean better. Or so Rhys wants to believe.

 

The day Handsome Jack entered his little shop all frowny, clearly not wanting to be where he was, Rhys was fairly surprised. Not because it was Handsome Jack -which did surprise him a little bit- but because of all the people in Helios, Rhys couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that the one wanting to apologize to anyone would be Handsome Jack. At all. It’s...just… Handsome Jack doesn’t apologize. Hello, pretty much common knowledge. The man airlocked people for fun, shot them in the pinky toe just to see them hop while they tried to escape, then pointed and laughed. So, yeah, it was pretty weird to see Handsome Jack looking at apology cards with his hands in his pockets and a grumpy expression on his face, clearly lost on how apologizing even worked.

 

“I need a simple bouquet, nothing too much, you know, something… mauve, or blue, or, you know, not roses. Nothing flashy. I don’t want roses.” Rhys smiles softly in response.

 

“Gotcha!’” He prepares the bouquet with lilies and bluebells -both blue flowers, as ordered-, constantly under the scrutiny of Jack’s mismatched eyes following his every movement from one place to another. When the bouquet is done, he stands in front of Jack behind the counter. He clears his throat, ready to ask The Question “What do you want the card to say?”

 

Jack doesn’t answer right away and Rhys finds it kind of endearing. The most powerful man in the known universe, struggling to write an apology card.

 

“I can give you a blank card if you want to write it in private, sir”. Jack lifts his eyes, piercing him with an angry look. As if Rhys had just challenged him. Jack inhales sharply.

 

“I don’t care what it says, just...you know, make it sound as a sincere apology. It’s for my angel so you better make it good or I’m shooting you.” Jack would shoot him for real, there is no doubt about that, so Rhys just grabs a pen and stares at the blank card for a second, swallowing. After a moment, Rhys scribbles something on the card and then shows it to Jack. He seems pleased with it, or so Rhys guesses as Jack grabs the card and the flowers and leaves without a second word.

 

That was the first time Jack showed up at his shop, but not the last. And every single time, Jack seemed to be getting more comfortable with the whole apologizing thing, not as angry and embarrassed as the first time. He now allows himself to joke with Rhys, and has come to terms with the fact that apologizing can improve your life. At least, when it’s worth it.

 

Of course he still airlocked people for fun, which made him the worst kind of hypocrite when giving away apology cards and bouquets.

 

That’s how things are now.

 

Jack burst through the door and leans against the counter.

 

“Rhyssieeee, babyyy, you there?” Rhys comes out of the backshop. Jack is smiling, wide and dangerous.

 

“Morning, Jack. How are things going up there?”

 

“… The usual. People being negligent, stupid and inept. As always. Which makes me think I’m not so bad for killing them, you know. I mean, I kill one of them because they made a stupid mistake, the others come the next day and just fuck up the exact same way. How is that learning? Are they not paying attention? Do they value their lives at all?”

 

“You could just…? Change your teaching strategy?”. Rhys leans against the counter too, facing Jack, and he seems to consider it for a second with a thoughtful expression.

 

“Nah. Too much work. It’s easier to kill ‘em”.

 

Rhys just smiles and, yeah, he shouldn’t be smiling because Jack just admitted that he‘d rather kill people than talk to them out of laziness. But, how is he supposed to react? He can’t just tell Handsome Jack that he’s being a murderous asshole. That would earn him a painful death. Sure, he can mess with him and call him names, but that’s about all he can do, and just because it amuses Jack.

 

A customer enters the shop and Jack just looks over his shoulder for a second without much interest. They guy stops dead in his tracks, as if struck by lightning when he recognizes Jack. His body is telling him to turn around and disappear while his brain is telling him that Handsome Jack has already spotted him and that turning around and fleeing would look really rude. It’s the face of a man who knows it’s too late to run.

 

“G-g-good morning.” The man takes two unsteady steps forward, shaking. Rhys flashes him a smile of sympathy, trying to compensate for Jack’s threatening presence. As if it were possible.

 

“Good morning, sir, how can I help you?” Jack snorts.

 

“Seriously, Rhysie, so much for innuendos.” The man opens his eyes in surprise and Rhys gives Jack a reprimanding look.

 

“Seriously, Jack. It’s a simple greeting. How is that an innuendo?”

 

“That’s not a simple greeting, that’s not how you greet me.”

 

“But you’re a piece of shit, you don’t deserve that, I’d kick your ass out of my shop if you weren’t the boss of everything”. Jack barks a laugh, clearly amused. Rhys, though, is being honest behind the joke. The man is staring at him as if he had grown a new head.

 

“I love it when you talk dirty to me. Keep going”.

 

“You’re disgusting.”

 

“I’ll admit that much, but you are a tease of the worst fuckin’ kind, baby”. Rhys rolls his eyes.

 

The man is looking at the exchange of words as if it were a ping pong match. A ping pong match were the players are naked and the ball is on fire. He’s about to start running any moment now.

 

“I’m sorry, sir. What did you need?”

 

“A- a … bouquet? With. Roses. For. A woman?” Jack is smiling, but it’s not the kind of smile that tells you that someone is sympathizing with your feelings. It’s the kind of smile of someone who pities you, who thinks that you are the most pathetic sentient being of the known universe. Which is probably true, given that the smile’s coming from Handsome Jack himself.

 

“Right away!” Now Jack is smiling at Rhys, and it’s a completely different smile. One that is amusing and almost flirty. He’s still leaning against the counter, he crosses one of his feet over the other one, all cocky and shit. The fucker.

 

Rhys is working and still has time to shoot glares at Jack, trying to get the message you-better-not-kill-my-customer through, and Jack is just smirking as the big ugly jerk that he is.

 

“So… A woman, huh?” The guy jumps when Jack addresses him, not expecting the attention.

 

“Huh… y-yes?” The poor man is freaking out so hard he looks like he’s going to faint. Jack raises an eyebrow.

 

“You don’t know?” Okay. Jack is messing with him. Nothing new. The man clears his throat, trying to get a grip.

 

“Uh, yes, I know, of course I know”.

 

Rhys comes back with a bouquet full of red roses, and puts it on the counter. Jack backs away a little, leaving space for the flowers and crosses his arms over his chest.

 

“This man is gay, gayer than a double rainbow filled with little butts and glitter. Gayer than a co-” Rhys clears his throat and Jack shrugs. The man looks mortified and ready to airlock himself.

 

“Wh-what? I’m not- What? Of course not, why would you say- No, I swear, I’m not, please, like, ugh, men, hahaha, no, of course not. I’m not into that stuff, haha.”

 

“Jack.” Rhys glares at Jack, pointedly asking him to shut the fuck up. Jack pointedly ignores it.

 

“I’m into guys, though. Are you saying it’s disgusting?” Jack is messing with the guy so much. Rhys rolls his eyes. The man is sweating, pale as a corpse. Was Jack going to play the gay card? Really? Disgusting.

 

“Uh, what, no, i didn’t-”

 

“But I clearly heard you say that awful stuff, are you implying that I’m dumb, sweetcheeks?” The pet name comes across as a threatening hiss, and the guy freezes. Rhys knows that he’s now familiar enough with him to mess around and call him names, but he also knows not to interfere in his demonstrations of power and authority. It would make him look weak, and Jack wouldn’t allow anyone in the galaxy to make him look weak in front of his pawns. Rhys finds the good sense to shut up and go about his business. The situation has gone from amusing to fucking scary in a heartbeat.

 

“I’m so sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to- I didn’t mean to offend-”

 

“And nevertheless, you did.” Jack is standing in front of the guy, and even though they are of the same height, Jack looks way bigger with his planet-sized confidence and broad shoulders. He steps into the personal space of the man, almost whispering. “I don’t want to hear excuses, as you may know, I’m not fucking stupid. I know you didn’t mean to offend me, unless you had a death wish.” Jack pauses ”And still, it happened. So, pumpkin, that’s the situation you’re in now.”

 

The man is looking at Jack in agony. He’s about to cry, Rhys feels bad for him. Jack is not even gay. He’s just being an asshole. The man looks at Rhys and then at Jack, then at Rhys and back, he’s asking for help, Rhys knows. But he can’t help him. Rhys looks down at the bill in front of him, he doesn’t want to look back at the guy who’s silently screaming for help, and licks his lips in an awkward gesture. When it becomes obvious that no one is going to help him, the guy finally breaks down and falls to his knees.

 

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Yes, I’m gay! I’m with the little blond guy from management, I wanted to surprise him for Christmas, it’s supposed to be a secret, I freaked out! I’m sorry, sir, I don’t want to die, PLEASE!” Jack flicks his tongue with clear disgust on his face.

 

“Grab the flowers, pay this young nice man double for his work and get the fuck out of here before I change my mind. You can fucking thank your fucking lucky star for this, any other day you’d be a corpse floating in space by now.”

 

“Yes, yes!” The man gets up as fast as his wobbly knees let him and just empties his wallet on the counter, grabs his flowers and runs out of the shop. Rhys raises an eyebrow at Jack, who looks back at him with an unimpressed look.

 

“What? He was a jerk.”

 

“You’re a jerk, too.”

 

“But I’m funny. And handsome. And a hero, and-” there’s a sharp, swift, sound and Jack goes silent mid-sentence. Rhys turns around and the papers fall from his fingers.

 

There is a black sword coming out of Jack’s chest. Its glowing blue edge is dripping with blood and Jack is looking at it in disbelief. A shadow materializes behind him with a silent, static blur.

 

“The wicked enjoys torment/ The just only asks for retribution/ I bring both. “

 

Zer0’s helmet flashes a wink emoji at Rhys while Jack’s body falls forward against the counter with a dull sound, knocking a flower pot over the edge. Jack slips back and onto the floor and Zer0 simply sidesteps out of its way. They sheathes their sword with a swift movement and Rhys’ is paralyzed.

 

Jack is dead.

 

Handsome Jack is dead.

 

Handsome Jack has been murdered right in front of him in his own shop.

 

By a vault hunter.

 

On Helios.

 

Zer0’s seems to be looking at him, their head tilted to one side. Realization comes down on Rhys, Helios is gonna go to shit as soon as the corpse gets found. Handsome Jack is dead and people are going to find out soon, but right now, in this moment, in this room, the world is quiet. It’s unsettling. One would have expected all kind of alarms to set off the moment Jack hit the floor. Instead, there is only silence. The universe hasn’t ended. He also realizes that he should be freaking out, screaming for help, for security officers to come and arrest the vault hunter...but. He’s paralyzed, staring right back at Zer0 with wide eyes.

 

What good would it make him to call out for help? Zer0’s an assassin, the best assassin on Pandora. He’s as good as dead, and so would anyone who dared step into the shop right then be.

 

Rhys is in shock and freaking out, and he can’t stop laughing.

 

“Oh my god, I can’t believe this, I can’t believe you just murdered Handsome Jack in my flower shop, this is fucked up, this is so fucked up,” Rhys is laughing harder, speaking faster and louder. “Of course this had to happen to me, of fucking course, FUCK MY FUCKING BAD LUCK”

 

The moment Rhys raises his voice, Zer0’s giving a step towards him; a silent threat. Every line of Zer0’s slender body speaks of danger and Rhys shuts up as soon as they is besides him. This is it. This is the end. Rhys shuts his eyes and tries to hide his head between his shoulders, waiting for the killing blow.

 

“I request your help / I need to hide / No one suspects of flowers.”

 

Rhys opens his eyes slowly, still frozen and trying to hide inside the collar of his shirt. Zer0’s way taller than him. Being as close as they are, Rhys has to tilt his head upwards to look at them. He notices how he can’t see his reflection on Zer0’s helmet, only its smooth surface of matted black. He’s not dead. He’s not going to be murdered anytime soon either. That’s… That’s good.

 

“I… I… O-Okay?” As if he could refuse a deadly assassin anything. Zer0 flashes him a smiley emoji and Rhys finds himself reciprocating with a weary smile of his own.

 

“A secret for now / We must dispose of the body / Fire is always a good option.”

 

Did he just…? Had Zer0 just suggested to burn Handsome Jack’s corpse right now? Without anyone noticing? This situation set the bar at a completely new level of screwed up all around the universe. Rhys should totally write a memo for mankind:

 

_Status Update:_  
_From zero to secretly having to burn Handsome Jack’s corpse in the middle of Helios, how deep in shit are you?_

 

Rhys is now looking at Jack’s face. His mask eerie and fake without the muscles behind it to form an expression. To give it life. The slit where the sword came out from is right above his heart. A deadly strike, he didn’t even had the time to know what was happening.

 

Somehow, Rhys is feeling responsible for his death. When Jack had woken up that morning, he surely wasn’t expecting to die before lunch break, in a flower shop, killed by a vault hunter. In a way, it’s Rhys’ fault that Jack had had his guard down.

 

Zer0’s watching him closely, almost with curiosity.

 

“He was evil / You feel sorry for him / Why?”

 

“I-I haven’t seen anyone die before. He was the biggest bastard to ever bastard, sure, but,” Rhys swallows, not wanting to look at Zer0 just yet. “I don’t want anyone to die, is that naive?”

 

Zer0 stares at him and Rhys looks back at them after a silent second.

 

“Yes / Grab the body / A barbeque is in order ”

 

“Wh-what?!”

 

“I hope your backshop has a ventilation system.”

 

“What?! I’m NOT dragging Jack’s corpse to BURN it in my backshop, no fucking way. Just. No. And- And that wasn’t even in haiku!”

 

“We must hurry / You’re not making sense / Get on with it already.”


	2. Bonfires, Cartoons and Murder are the glue that brings people together

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Tyelperin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tyelperin) is the light of my life.

Rhys knows that he has no other choice when he takes a dubious step towards Jack’s body. He doesn't want to do this . The Universe has handpicked him out of thousands of people to atone for Handsome Jack’s sins after his demise. He just FUCKING knows it. Helios will have his head, space it and make it orbit Pandora till the end of times. Or something. Rhys isn't good at plotting tortures.

 

He stops panicking for a second to look at Zer0, uncertain as to how well he’s hiding his distress at the situation. Probably bad. Zer0 stares back at him, clearly unimpressed under their helmet. The fucker thinks they can run around killing important people with their glowing sword and making others clean the mess.

 

This is why Rhys prefers flowers to human beings.

 

Rhys is still swearing under his breath when he takes a long step over Jack to lock the door and make sure no one else is around. He turns and Zer0 is already gone, probably in the backshop. Or wherever, the fucker.

 

He kneels over the body, sighing and staring at Jack’s lifeless face. Great. How is he going to move the body? He can hardly lift a heavy pot, how is he supposed to drag Jack’s body without making a bloody mess out of everything?

 

Rhys is deep in thought when, suddenly, Jack opens his eyes. Rhys screams, falling on his ass. Jack opens his mouth, trying to breath and coughing a gulp of blood instead.

 

"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fucking fuck!" Jack is wheezing, his chest going up and down irregularly. Jacks snarls and his teeth are bloody. Rhys feels like his heart is going to pound out of his chest, his hand on it, trying to contain it- what is, fuck, what is this?

 

There is no one else around to answer and Rhys swallows hard.

 

"Eh, hi, listen, Jack, look, it's - "

 

"Rhysie...?" Jack lifts a trembling hand, trying to reach Rhys. He takes it and shifts to look better at him.

 

"It's me, Jack."

 

"Am I...? Am I dying?" Rhys swallows hard, looking nervously over the wound on his chest "JUST FUCKING TELL ME, FUCK-" Jacks coughs more blood and Rhys is breathing hard, not knowing what to do. He then searches for a piece of cloth in the pockets of his apron, and puts it over Jack's chest, making some pressure over the wound.

 

"I-I-I think you're d-dyiiing, Jack."

 

"I-" Jack coughs. "Fuck." He actually sounds calm about it and Rhys is way past the verge of tears. He's hiccuping, snot running down his nose.

 

"I'm sorry, Jack," the hand pressing down the cloth on Jack's chest is already bloody, and shivering. Jack is looking at him,  his gaze intense.

 

"I didn't... I didn't think that anyone would... would mourn me..." Jack squeezes his hand. “I- I have-haven't been the best person around but, but you, for you, I, Rhys...will I dream- FUCK SHITFUUCKYOUSONOFA-" Jack hasn't finished pronouncing his last words when a sword sinks in his chest again and between Rhys’ fingers, threatening to cut but not touching them.

 

"WHAT-WHY DID YOU DO THAT?! WHAT!?" Rhys takes his hand back, making sure he’s still in possession of his five fingers and then looking at Zer0 in disbelief, who's now twisting their sword in Jack's chest as he screams incoherently. Zer0 then pulls out their sword without effort after a heavy crack and Jack falls silent. Rhys looks at Jack's slack face and then at Zer0, going back from one to another with his eyes wide open, still holding to his own hand.

 

"Cheesy quotes are a pathetic way to go / But I helped him / He wasn't dying fast enough" Rhys snaps.

 

"YOU WERE THE ONE THAT KILLED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE, HOW IS THAT HELPING??!!" Zer0 tilts their head, flashing Rhys an interrogation sign.

 

“We still need to dispose of the body / I checked the ventilation system / It will suffice.” Zer0 hasn’t turned fully yet when Rhys stands up, fists shaking with anger.

 

“YOU, YOU- SELFISH SHIT OF AN ASSASSIN!” Rhys is breathing hard, fists clenched at his sides, snot running down his upper lip. Zer0 stares at him in silence, Rhys realizes absently that they isn’t breathing. Not as far as he can see or hear.

 

“Only concerned with Death when you’re forced to witness it / You don’t care about the unknown million he’s slayed / Who is being selfish?” Zer0 takes a step towards Rhys, who looks away, tears burning his eyes. He’s way more furious than he’s sad. Zer0 flashes him an interrogation sign again. Rhys clenches his jaw, still refusing to look at them.

 

After that, Zer0 disappears through the backshop door and Rhys reluctantly gets to business. This is no longer about being coaxed into helping Zer0 burn a corpse -which, yeah, is still happening-, this is about him being an accomplice of murder. He knows Helios expects him to die rather than to help a vault hunter, he should have been willing to fight Zer0. Instead, he finds himself moving the body with a flower cart into the backshop, where Zer0 is deactivating the fire alarms, standing near the controls and busy talking to someone through their ECHO comm.

 

“Don’t tell me to cut the red wire, Salvador / There is no red wire / It’s wireless.”

 

Rhys can hear several voices fussing from where Zer0’s standing. Jack’s head is hanging in the air, out of the cart, swaying with each move. Rhys can’t stand it. He puts the cart down and walks towards Zer0.

 

“Amigo, hear me out, I’ve deactivated a million of these things.”

 

“Zer0, you’ll need to infiltrate the security office, there is no other way.”

 

“Can’t you blow it up?”

 

“That would make a fire, you shit”

 

“If everyone is dead the alarm going off won’t be a problem”

 

“You did not just say that.”

 

“It’d easier if you stopped talking all at the same time / It’s confusing / And unnerving.”

 

Rhys clicks a little button under the control pad and the metal box opens with a hiss. It reveals several switches and buttons neatly labelled. Rhys presses the one with tagged “shutdown” and the red light above the backshop door goes off silently.

 

Zer0 shuts the ECHO comm without as much as a goodbye and flashes a heart emoji on his helmet. Rhys rolls his eyes.

 

They arrange the body as best as they can or, at least, the best Rhys can. Zer0 grabs a bottle of liquid fertilizer from Rhys’ workshop and pours it over Jack. Rhys is never going to be able to smell that thing again without thinking about this. Jack’s corpse, bloody and warm. Rhys belatedly wonders if Jack will smell good, like cooked meat. That would be so fucked up. It’d ruin him as a meat-eater forever. Maybe he shouldn’t be around during this. The more Rhys thinks about it, the more convinced he’s he should leave. Not that he weren’t against it before. He’s just panicking about it now.

 

He lifts his eyes from Jack’s body and watches how Zer0 is… quickly forming weird symbols with both their hands. What?

 

“What are you…?”

 

“Ninjas can spit fire / I saw it in some old cartoon / Is it because I only have four fingers?”

 

“Oh my god” Rhys smacks himself in the face, swearing under his breath “I can’t fucking believe this,” Zer0 tries the same combination of signs again at a faster pace and Rhys begins to laugh, for the first time in a long time. Zer0 stops and flashes an interrogation sign at Rhys. “Jack would be so mad if he knew that a nerd killed him”.

 

Zer0 flashes a smile. Rhys returns it, conflicted, his brows furrowed at the same time.

 

“Step back,” Rhys obeys, and Zer0 pulls out a fire damage pistol. Rhys is still smiling, he doesn’t even know why. It’s weird. It’s a joyless smile. It feels as if it’s plastered on his face against his will, stuck. He has to remind himself, for emphasis. It’s Handsome Jack there in the cart, seconds away from becoming a bonfire in a flowershop in the middle of Helios. He’s panicking and, at the same time, he feels numb to everything happening around him. Maybe he should feel worse. He’s jumping between emotions at a pace his brain can’t follow. Maybe this is what going crazy feels like. Maybe he’s just being an asshole.

 

When Zer0 fires the gun, Jack’s body lits up instantly. The moment the flames engulf the whole cart Rhys is already running through the door, one hand covering half of his face. His other hand grabs a chair and he falls on it. He covers his face with both hands.

 

When they notice that Jack is gone the first thing they’ll do is check the security live feed. They’ll know that the last place Jack entered was his shop. There is no escape. No turning back. He will have to become a bandit and live on Pandora -in the improbable case he escaped Helios station-. They will make skin pizzas with his face. He will die, either on Helios or Pandora. His life is over and Zer0 had just tried to reenact some ninja cartoon. Rhys is laughing and covering his face, trying not to breath the smoke that’s starting to seep under the door.

 

How long does it take for a body to burn to ashes? Will the bones burn too? What’s going to happen with all the smoke? It’s not like they can open a window. Zer0 surely has thought about all of that, right?

 

Right?

 

When the smoke filtering under the door reaches his feet, Rhys decides to intervene. He stands up and the mechanical door opens with a hiss, a lot of smoke coming out all of sudden in huge clouds. Zer0 comes out, quickly sealing the doors behind them.

 

“The ventilation system does not suffice / I put out the fire / Maybe we should space it.” Rhys is coughing and really, he doesn’t want to think that it is Handsome Jack in his lungs right now. He fans the smoke out of his face with his metallic arm.

 

“And you’re telling me this NOW?” Rhys is covering his face again, trying to steady his breathing as the smoke begins to settle slowly. “Okay, we have to think this through. It’s a matter of time until they find out that Jack disappeared in my shop. They will check the feeds and come, we need to get out as fast as we can, forget the body”.

 

“My quest is not completed / I still need your help / Chill, they won’t catch us.”

 

“Wh-What? I thought-I thought that killing Jack was your mission?!”

 

“An experimental plant is my target / I thought this shop was R&D / Jack was just in my way.”

 

“Jesus fucking Christ,” Rhys whispers and laughs. Rhys gets louder “HOW THE FUCK DID YOU CONFUSE R&D WITH MY FLOWER SHOP, IT SAYS FLOWER SHOP IN THE ENTRANCE.” Zer0 shrugs. The asshole. Just. Shrugs. Rhys is going to have a heart attack. He considers punching Zer0 in the face for a moment, he’s way past the point of caring anymore.

 

“Don’t open the door.”

 

Suddenly, Zer0 becomes invisible in front of him and Rhys hears someone knocking.

 

This is it.

 

What should he do? The knocking continues and Rhys swallows. He can’t see Zer0 anywhere. What if Zer0’s plan has been blaming the murder on him since the beginning? Had he just been framed? The knocking continues and Rhys is paralyzed.

 

What should he do?

 

“Rhys, man, are you there?”

 

It’s Vaughn. Rhys starts breathing again. He runs to the comm at the side of the door and starts it.

  
“Hey, bro”.

 

“Dude, why have you closed the store?”

 

“Uh, I’m having some, some problems with a new fertilizer, I just decided to close for, you know, health security, I don’t want people to inhale this,” Rhys laughs and Vaughn raises a brow.

 

“Why aren’t you wearing a mask then?”

 

“Oh, good point, I should totally wear it. Thank you, I’ll go get it, see yah later alligator.”

 

“Rhys? Are you okay? I can try to help you out with… whatever.”

 

“Thanks, really. Just, don’t worry. I got it under control.”

 

“... Okay...”

 

Vaughn turns around with a suspicious look and Rhys just shuts down the comm, breathing again and letting his forehead knock against the cold wall.

 

“This is the worst day of my life,” Zer0 materializes at his side and Rhys turns around to get a mop and have the shop cleaned at the very least. Zer0 disappears in the backshop again. Rhys is hoping that to deal with Jack, once and for all.

 

Rhys spends the next half an hour on his knees, rubbing the floor before the blood dries off. It doesn’t take long before Zer0 appears with other flower cart. Rhys gets up, already finished with the cleaning, to check it.

 

Jack’s burned body is there, Zer0 has used a piece of cloth to cover it and lots of pots and flowers. Rhys tugs at the corner of the cloth, not really wanting to see what’s underneath it.

 

“Okay, what’s the plan?”

 

“The trash compactor / It’ll work this time / Sir Hammerlock recommended it.”

  
“Sir Hammerlock?”

 

“My employer.”

 

“Uh, ok.” It makes some weird sense that Zer0’s actually shit at hiding bodies. It’s not like they’s famous for cleaning the mess after the job.

 

“I’ll help you through it / You needn’t worry / I’m in your debt, after all.”

 

Rhys is actually relieved at these words. He lets out a heavy sigh. Zer0 flashes him a smile again and Rhys frowns in response, turning around to unlock the entrance and get on with it already. He hears the static at his back and knows that Zer0 has used their cloaking device. Rhys grabs the cart and lifts it with care, it’s heavy. He swallows and pushes it towards the door. It will be over before he knows it. He just has to do this. It’ll be easier after the body is gone. Zer0 will help him, they has said so. Everything will be fine.

 

Rhys is rolling the cart down through the Hub of Heroism, people are ignoring him as usual, all of them sipping their coffees and talking about their careers. Rhys swallows, wondering where Zer0 is. He looks around nervously. He’s surrounded by people. It’s rush hour. Maybe they should have waited for lunch break to end before doing this. It’s too late now, anyway. Rhys has to clear his throat when a group of people get in his way.

 

“Excuse me, sir, could you please…? I need to-” The man turns around, it’s the client from before. The one Jack humiliated. The little blond guy from management is also at his side, holding his hand. They both look at him and step aside. “Thank you.” Rhys feels ashamed and swallows when the blond guy squeezes the hand of his boyfriend. He pushes the cart to pass by.

 

Rhys should have interfered. He had been blind to Jack’s bullshit. Sure, he had known that it was bad and unfair, but he hadn’t done anything to try and fix it. He hadn’t step in. What does that say about him? That he’s a coward? That he’s as bad as Jack?

 

Rhys looks at the flowers, their petals swaying along with the movement of the cart. Not that Jack matters anymore.

 

He can see the corner exit and pushes the cart, walking faster. It all happens really fast.

 

“Bro!” The moment Rhys turns his head around to look at Vaughn, some distance behind him, is the moment he collides with a loader bot he hasn’t seen coming from the corner. The crash is loud and Rhys trips over himself, almost falling onto the cart. An invisible hand is around his chest, preventing him from falling. His heart is pounding hard in his chest. So. Close.

 

“Good morning, sir.” The loader bot is looking at him. Rhys is panicking.

 

“Uh, yeah, ‘morning.” The hand goes away and Rhys steadies himself. The loader bot whirs.

 

“You look distressed, sir. Do you require my assistance?”

 

“Uh, what? No, I don’t need help, I’m fine, if you’d excuse me…” Rhys tries to circle the loader bot and it just steps in his way again.

 

“My sensors are picking up an elevated heart rate, along with some disturbances. I insist you let me help you, sir.”

 

“Look, I don’t-! I don’t need any help, okay?!”

 

“Bro, why are you yelling at a loader bot?” Vaughn appears at his side, a look of concern in his face.

 

“I JUST NEED TO-” Rhys massages the bridge of his nose, trying to steady his breath. “Please, I need to go and continue working, if that is okay with you two. Please.” Vaughn looks hurt. The loader bot goes to Rhys’ side and puts an arm around the cart. “What are you doing? No, no, no, no, wait, leave it, I don’t need your help, I’ve already told you, please, stop it.” The loader bot ignores him as more people begin to look at them, interrupting their conversations. “LOADER BOT, I’M ORDERING YOU TO LEAVE THE CART ALONE!”

 

A soldier comes along as the loader bot is lifting the cart over its shoulder. Several pots fall and crash while Rhys yells at the robot, the soldier asks what the hell is happening, Vaughn is touching Rhys’ arm, whispering at him, people are looking.

 

The metal hatch of the cart cracks open and a body hits the floor with a heavy thud. Everyone falls silent.

 

“Fuck.”

  
  
  
  
  



	3. Always romance the dwarf, if you can't, romance the nerd

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [Tyelperin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tyelperin) betaed it, helped me write it and more. They're too beautiful and patient to be real.

                                             

 

“Who did you romance?”

 

“The elf, who else?”

 

The other guard hums in agreement, not looking away from his HPS Vita. Rhys sighs, sitting cross-legged in front of the energy field of his cell.

 

“Guys, could I get a glass of water? I’m getting seriously dehydrated here.”

 

“How do you see your full statistics? I need to check my critical chance.”

 

“Hey, don’t ignore me! I’m your prisoner; you’re supposed to take care of me!”

 

“Just check your DPS in the character screen.”

 

“Dude, I know where my DPS is. But I need to know my critical chance to choose between the dark opal gloves or the slag gloves. One gives me chance and the other crit damage. I need to know the cap.” The other guard lifts his head, thinking.

 

“Just compare which one gives you more DPS.”

 

“Critical damage always gives you more DPS no matter what, I need to know the percentage to choose which one will be better long-term.”

 

“Dunno.”

  
“Freakin’ mages, your class is op; you just need to stack magic. I’m a rogue, dude. I make an art out of assassination. I play on hard mode.”

 

“I don’t care about gameplay; I’m here to romance the elf.”

 

“I want to romance the dwarf, why can’t I romance the dwarf?”

 

“If you go to gameplay options you can tick the ‘show full statistics’ box.” Both of the guards look at Rhys for the first time since they dumped him in his cell two days ago.

 

“Do you know Skags Age II?” Rhys folds his arms over his chest with a smug smile.

 

“I unlocked the “Thresher Lord” achievement, my dude. You’re in front of a max level echo warrior!” The guard gasps under his helmet, looking from Rhys to his friend and back.

 

“You found the three hundreds ECHOs and defeated their thresher guardians!? I found one and the fucker killed me, I couldn’t do anything!”

 

Rhys nods, smiling with pride and the guard gasps again. Rhys holds the cool pose and the guard stares at him in admiration, as if Rhys weren’t in jail because they found him carrying a dead body which, thank God, hasn’t still been identified. The other guard huffs casually, grabs his friend and drags him out of the room. Rhys is still begging for a glass of water when they disappear through the door.

 

It’s weird, how unimportant everything becomes when you accept your doom. A week ago, Rhys would’ve been freaking out about being in jail, but right now? Now he’s just waiting for everything to end. When they discovered the body, Zer0 was nowhere to be found. When Rhys’ was screaming for help, Zer0 didn’t show up. Zer0 had said that they would help him. He knows that he shouldn’t have trusted a vault hunter.

 

Only Rhys knows that Zer0’s in Helios. The blame will fall on him. Who would believe him if he said a vault hunter did it? Rhys snorts at the thought. But maybe… Maybe if Zer0 hasn’t completed their mission… then maybe there’s still some hope left for Rhys. He could sell the information in exchange for his freedom, right? It’s not like he owes the fucker. Zer0 had stormed into his life and ruined it forever. He definitely doesn’t owe them shit.

 

Rhys sighs, defeated by his own thoughts. It wouldn’t change anything. Even if he told them what was Zer0 was after, they wouldn’t release him. That’s not how Helios works.

 

Rhys entertains himself following the pattern of the floor with his index finger. Both guards walk into the room again, ignoring him.

 

* * *

 

 

 “WHERE’S YOUR NOVIO, ZER0?”

 

“You left him behind?”

 

“Dude.”

 

“Too many guards / I had no choice / They’d had killed us both.”

 

 There is a moment of silence; Maya turns slowly to look at the fifth person in the room.

 

“I’ve got an idea.”

 

Zer0 sighs audibly, which is rare in them. They already knows what’s happening next.

 

* * *

 

 

Rhys’ body hurts from being locked up in the cold cell. It feels too small, too constricting He’s standing now; his back hurts from being hunched the whole day. Rhys tries to stretch his arms; his fingers almost touch the ceiling. The only sound he has heard in the past six hours is the weird static coming from the yellow energy field of his cell. It’s driving him mad, and it’s not only about the cell, or even his freedom, it’s about waiting.

 

Rhys isn’t good at waiting for other people to decide his fate whilst imprisoned for a crime he didn’t commit. Rhys snorts. But then again, who is?

  
The doors hiss open and Rhys lowers his arms, exhaling, allowing all the oxygen to leave his body. A Hyperion robot rolls in his direction, swinging his arms.

 

“Good morning, prisoner 17156! I’m CL4P-TP, but you can call me Claptrap!”

  
“Uh… ‘morning. I’m Rhys.” The claptrap immediately laughs out loud, his metallic little arms holding a smug pose. The guards don’t lift their heads from their portable consoles. 

 

“I guess you’re the new addition to the family! I’ve been sent to free you from this prison cell, Rhys! My minion, Zer0, the legendary vault hunter, told me all about how you two killed Handsome Jack together! I guess I can accept another deathly minion under my glorious command!!!”

 

“WHAT?! I-I DON’T KNOW THIS ROBOT, I SWEAR!” The guards don’t lift their heads, both focused on their screens.

 

“Don’t worry about them, minion. The gaming world has swallowed their souls, they can’t hear us. “

 

“I’M PRETTY SURE THEY CAN HEAR US!” Rhys glances nervously at the guards, who seem to be unresponsive. Rhys isn’t buying it. It can’t be that easy.

 

“You still have much to learn, little grasshopper.” Claptrap rolls to the control pad and connects himself, slightly swinging his body over the tire.

 

“STOP RIGHT THERE, LEAVE ME ALONE YOU TRASH CAN, DON’T, DON’T TOUCH THAT! “ If Rhys could bang the energy field of his cell with both his fists he would. Since he can’t, Rhys grabs at his own hair instead, desperate, the claptrap unit working on the pad while whistling.

 

 “Aaaand….. OPEN”.

 

The energy field doesn’t fade; one of the guards lifts his head.  

 

* * *

 

 

Rhys is sitting on his cell, his back against the wall and legs spread. A robotic voice comes from the cell in front of his.

  
“Cheer up, Rhys! Zer0, legendary assassin and vault hunter, must be on their way to rescue us! They would never leave their master behind!”

 

Rhys cringes, looking at the guards nervously and then at Claptrap.

 

“Shut up! I swear to god I’m going to smash you to a heap of screws if you ever use the V word again. “

 

“What’s the V word, minion? You’ll have to be more specific. My memory bank possesses over 2,000 V words, such as: Vacuum, vagarious, vagrancy, vain, vastness, vaudeville, vessel, vegetable, void, vulgar, vichyssoise …”

 

“What? No, the word, the word you just used before that!”

 

“Which one? I use a lot of words, minion. You mean vichyssoise?”

 

“WHY ARE YOU FOCUSING ON THAT ONE, I DON’T MEAN THAT ONE.”

 

“Do you hate vichyssoise that much, Rhys?”

 

“I MEAN VAULT, VAULT HUNTER, YOU LITTLE SHIT.”

 

“That’s two words; also I don’t think you should be yelling like that. You’re going to reveal our secret plan.”

 

“YOU’RE THE ONE WHO’S BEEN TALKING ABOUT ZER0 THE WHOLE TIME!”

 

“They’s my favourite minion. Why wouldn’t I? You, on the other hand, don’t know them like I do, we’ve built a life in common. What do you know about it? YOU’RE JUST A GUST OF WIND IN OUR LIVES! YOU’LL NEVER TAKE THEM FROM ME!”

 

“ARE YOU JEALOUS?!”

 

“YOU, HOMEWRECKER, YOU’RE ONLY HAPPY WHEN YOU’RE ON THE RUN, BREAKING A MILLION HEARTS JUST FOR FUN!”

 

“IS THAT A SONG? I’M PRETTY SURE THAT’S A SONG.”

 

“Guards! Guards! This man is a homewrecker and a murderer, I don’t want him talking to me!”

 

“WHAT?!”

 

“Shut up, both of you! You’re giving me a headache!”

 

They fall silent; Claptrap has his little arms folded over his body, giving Rhys his back. He sits on the floor again, dropping his head against the wall. Rhys sighs.

 

He misses his shop, his flowers, his peaceful life. Rhys hugs his legs and lets his head fall against his knees. What’s he going to do?

 

* * *

 

 

Crawling through a ventilation shaft is not the way Salvador had planned to spend his weekend.  He charges onwards, nevertheless, helping himself with his elbows commando style. He hears Zer0 getting stuck behind him.

 

“You sure take up a lot of space for a fuckin’ beanpole.”

 

“Who ate all the tacos? /I’ll give you a hint / It wasn’t me,” a boot crashes into their helmet almost immediately, making the material creak.

 

“Are you sure you want to fight me in such a tiny space, pendejo?”

 

“>: (“ Zer0 flashes the emoji even though Salvador can’t see it.

 

“I thought so.” They keep on crawling, Salvador wonders, absentmindedly, if he has fucked up Zer0’s helmet. It’s not likely. He still tries to look behind him for a second to make sure they’re okay.

 

“Salvador, we’re in position!” The message comes through his ECHOcomm and he stops to press a button on his wrist.

 

“Almost there.”

 

“Roger that.”

 

* * *

 

 

It’s the middle of the night and Rhys isn’t sleeping. The illumination is always the same in the dungeons; they’ve ruined his sleeping patterns. He’s sitting in the middle of his cell, legs crossed. Claptrap seems to have switched himself off, his extremities folded inside the cube that is his body. Rhys welcomes the silence.

 

It’s possible that he won’t have to wait much longer for the security office to make a decision about him, they must be checking the video feeds, his shop… Surely, not a trace of Zer0 has been found. He only has the robot as empirical proof that he’s not going crazy and having hallucinations about vault hunters.

 

It’s in that moment when the metal vent above the corridor outside his cell falls crashing into the floor with a clang. He stands up immediately, Claptrap’s eye lights open. A broad, short man jumps; landing on the vent and making it bend at the edges. Zer0 falls beside him, silently, as if they weight nothing. 

 

 “Zer0! Oh my god, you’ve come back!” Rhys wants to touch the field, but he can only gesture at it, not believing his eyes.

 

“One must honor their word / And I made a promise to you / Naïve one.” Zer0 says, flashing a smiley emoji.

 

Rhys wants to cry. He was sure that Zer0 had ditched him; abandoned him. Cold and alone in a cell with a chatty robot.

 

Rhys has never been happier to be wrong. 

 

The energy field fades and a female voice comes through the comm.

 

“Done! Good job, Clappy.” Claptrap rolls in front of Salvador; hand in the air, looking as if he’s asking for a high five. Salvador looks at him for a split second, then elbows Zer0, ignoring the robot right away.

 

“Come on, they must be on their way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was shorter than expected.
> 
> Feel free to come talk to me if you want, I love the yelling ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ
> 
> https://twitter.com/robospookguetti  
> http://robospock.tumblr.com


	4. Goodbye Sun, Your Ex-Lover is Dead

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, guys, I'm back. 
> 
> I can't believe it either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Betaed by [Tyelperin](http://archiveofourown.org/users/tyelperin).

There is a pause when the energy field fades. Salvador is busy talking to the woman at the other end of his comm, Claptrap is running in circles, Rhys couldn’t care less. Zer0’s staring at him, their sword held loosely in one hand while the tip rests on the metallic surface of the floor. The blue glow of its edge reflects on the steel eerily. Rhys knows because he has been staring at the floor during way too much time now.

 

“Rhys.”

 

Even though the room is full of a cacophony of loud noises, it only takes one quiet syllable for him to wake up. Zer0 sheathes their sword; Rhys has already lifted his eyes to look at them.

 

“You’re free now / Come or stay / It’s your choice.”

 

This is the moment Zer0 repays their debt, Rhys knows. He wants to thank them again, for not leaving him behind.

 

He has been staring at the matted black nothingness of Zer0’s helmet for a few seconds now. Rhys thinks about Vaughn and Yvette. They’re the only reason he has to stay on Helios, but he wouldn’t do much good to them now that he’s the most wanted criminal on the station.

 

He will miss his shop.

 

“I’ll go with you, if that’s okay.” His tone is quiet, but loud enough for the other man, still arguing with a woman through his comm, to hear him and stop rambling.

 

“SHIT, THE KID IS COMING WITH US. DID YOU HEAR THAT, WOMAN?”

 

“A new addition to the family!”

 

Zer0 would raise a brow if they could. Their voice sounds strangled and pained.

 

“Family?”

 

Rhys coughs. The man approaches him and grabs his hand in an energetic handshake. Rhys lets him, although he hasn’t much of a choice. The short man is way stronger than him.

 

“Hello Babyface! The name’s Salvador. Don’t be so shy! -Zer0’s a great pal when you come to know them. Very reliable, very sturdy. Can lift almost three times their own weight, will hold your hair when you’re throwing up your guts after drinking too much, will put your shoes in the window so they don’t make your whole room stink when you pass out. Good partner, better friend. Twenty outta ten, would recommend.”

 

There is a split second of silence while Salvador keeps shaking his hand. Claptrap rolls in between them. Rhys feels kind of attacked by it.

 

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU FOOL, THIS BEANPOLE DOESN’T DESERVE THE GLORY OF BEING PART OF MY CREW.” Salvador looks down at Claptrap with confusion, letting go of Rhys.

 

“Zer0’s kind of a beanpole too?”

 

“ZER0’S PERFECT.”

 

The female voice comes through the comm again.

 

“Zer0’s a beanpole too. But, actually true that they can lift a lot? Remember that mission with the wurms? I’m still amazed you were able to lift its corpse, Zer0.”

 

“Salvador was under it / So many guts to clean after that / I kind of regret it.”

 

A second male voice comes through the comm.

 

“HEY, I HELPED WITH THAT TOO, IT WASN’T JUST ZER0”.

 

“Oh, that’s Babyface the Second, you’ll meet him when we get to Pandora”. Salvador smiles wide and Rhys fidgets, answering with a nervous smile. Zer0 keeps looking at him, which makes him fidget more. Claptrap is clawing at his shirt while screaming; Rhys is trying to get it off him while the others keep arguing about names.

 

Really? This is what Rhys has signed up for? They’re all bonkers.

 

“Why am I Babyface The Second? Shouldn’t Rhys be Babyface the Second?”

 

“I don’t know. I didn’t really give it that much thought until a second Babyface came along?”

 

“We’re wasting precious time / You can keep arguing on the shuttle / Let’s go”

 

They stop the chattering almost instantly, and Rhys discovers that the plan is to go back the same way they came in, through the vent. He’s starting to complain about it to Zer0, something about how toxic gasses go through the vents all day, all week, while at the same time trying to get the Claptrap off of him when, suddenly, Salvador jumps the distance between the floor and the ceiling. Effortlessly. He stops dead in his tracks, gaping at Salvador as he smiles from the hole in the ceiling. He keeps on looking at Salvador, then back at Zer0, back at Salvador, back at Zer0.

 

"I can’t do that. I can’t jump that high. Not in a million years."

 

Rhys is going to stay in Helios because he can’t cover the distance from the floor to the ceiling. This is his end. This is how he dies. He should have gone to the gym with Vaughn. He feels like Zer0’s laughing at him.

 

“Do not fret / Naïve one / I can lift you”

 

Rhys hears someone go “aaww” in the ceiling. Salvador is whispering to his comm.

 

“Did you hear that, guys? Zer0 has a nickname for him, like a private joke. I think my dead black heart skipped a beat.”

 

Rhys closes his eyes, inhaling deeply. He’s going to smack the fucking Claptrap if it doesn’t stop grabbing at this shirt at once.

 

He’s so unbelievably close to letting himself get arrested. Getting spaced is beginning to look appealing.

 

“Lift me up before I change my mind, Zer0.” He has his eyes closed and doesn’t expect it when Zer0 kneels at his side, wrapping only one arm around his hips to sit him on their shoulder. Rhys is about to lose his balance when Zer0’s arm steadies him on his side, their fingers digging almost painfully under his ribs. Then Zer0 stands up and Rhys watches the ceiling come close way too fast. Salvador grabs his arms to help him get in the vent and Zer0’s hands go from his sides to his ass to push him up.

 

Once he’s up in the vent Rhys is glad that it’s almost completely dark because he can feel his ears burning from the embarrassment at how easily he just got manhandled.

 

“Let’s not do that again.”

 

Salvador laughs, his deep voice making the whole vent shake.

 

“Shit, Babyface, being lifted is your limit? You’re in for a storm.”

 

“Lead the way, will you?” Salvador keeps laughing, maneuvering inside the vent to start moving in the –Rhys hopes- right direction. He’s aware that Zer0’s behind him, and blocks the thought with all the mental strength he can muster, which is a lot. Like the way he’s still ignoring the fact that a few hours ago he had been carrying the half-burned corpse of Handsome Jack through the Hub of Heroism is kind of a miracle. He’s just that good at dissociating. Man, is it going to be fun when his brain finally processes everything.

 

They crawl through the vents fast and efficiently, which weirds Rhys right out. He was expecting a lot of fighting and being asphyxiated by toxic gasses. At one point, Salvador moves a tiny plate aside and jumps down without saying anything. Rhys stops in his tracks.

 

“Zer0?"

 

“Yes?”

 

“Salvador just jumped down a hole.”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Without saying anything, is that normal?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Should I follow?”

 

“I would advise against it on normal circumstances / These are not normal circumstances, though/ So I’d say yes.”

 

Rhys crawls forward, hooking his fingers around the edge of the metal plate, poking out his head a little to look for Salvador, who is smiling at him from the floor.

 

“Zer0?” Rhys wishes he could turn around to look at the assassin.

 

“Yes?”

 

“It’s really high.”

 

Zer0 doesn’t say anything. Rhys begins to get nervous.

 

“I’m sure I’ll sprain an ankle if I just jump blindly, best case scenario.”

 

“Move forward / I’ll go first / then I can help you get down.”

 

Praise the Lord for Zer0.

 

Rhys crawls forward, moving his knees at each side of the hole; once he’s past it he hears a soft thump behind him.

 

“I’ll help you now / Let yourself fall through / I’ll catch you.”

 

Rhys swallows, moving backwards and letting his feet through the hole. When he’s past his knees he begins to feel the panic.

 

“No no no, I can’t do this, I’m sorry, I can’t do this. Nope. Not my thing. I’m a florist, not a vault hunter. I can’t. I’m going to break a leg.”

 

“Come one, Babyface! We don’t have all day!”

 

“Fuck you, Salvador!”

 

“Wow, Babyface has a potty mouth.”

 

“It’s okay, Rhys / I won’t let you fall / Trust me.”

 

“Yeah, Zer0 will catch you.” Salvador mutters now “I’d totally let him fall on his ass if I were you. It’d be a lesson, you know?”

 

“I CAN HEAR YOU, SALVADOR.” The fucker has the nerve to laugh louder and Rhys is beginning to have difficulties breathing. Are these the toxic gasses? Is he having a panic attack? Both?

 

“I won’t let you fall / Rhys / Ignore him.”

 

Salvador says something else but Rhys can’t quite catch it. He can hear the Claptrap laughing along with Salvador. He’s going to murder the thing, he swears. Rhys begins to slip his feet through the vent again, purely hate-driven, and once he’s past his knees and up to his waist, more than half of his body is hanging out of the vent.

 

The metallic edge is pressing in against his chest, his arms hurt from trying to hold his own weight up.

 

“Let go / Rhys / I’m here.”

 

Rhys does, the metallic edge scrapes his chest and chin on the way down and he closes his eyes as hard as he can.

 

A pair of steady arms catch him on his way down, bridal style, and it knocks the air out of his lungs, but not quite as bad as it would have, had he actually hit the floor. Rhys trying to retract on himself when he dares open his eyes. Zer0 flashes him a smiling emoji before helping him stand up on his own feet. Rhys tries his best to rearrange his clothes once he’s safe on the floor.

 

“Uh, uhm, thanks.” Zer0 nods before starting to walk in Salvador’s direction through a round tunnel. Rhys follows quickly, falling in a step behind.

 

“So, am I… am I going to become a vault hunter?” Zer0 tilts their head in his direction, flashing an interrogation mark.

 

“Do you wish to become a vault hunter?”

 

“Uh, not really. It sounds dangerous, and tiring, and not profitable at all. No offense. ”

 

“Then don’t.” Zer0 looks ahead again and Rhys walks a little faster to be at their side, instead of behind. Rhys looks up at them when they keeps speaking “But you are mistaken in one thing/ this line of work can be quite profitable / if you’re hard to kill.”

Rhys laughs.

 

“Hard to kill, huh? There goes my vault hunter career. I could choke on my own thumbs.” Zer0 looks at him again, this time flashing two interrogation marks.

 

“Why would you put your thumbs in your mouth?”

 

Shit. Rhys’ face is on fire. He wants to space himself. Where is Handsome Jack when you need him?

 

Ah. Dead. Nevermind.

 

“Eeeeh, it’s a manner of speaking. I’m just like, uh, really easy to kill. You know, I can’t really jump and my back hurts when I run too much? I catch a cold really easily if the air conditioner is too high and I’m kind of, well, I’m not strong, either, you’ve seen me. That would be, uh, enough explanation.”

 

“I have seen you, indeed.” Zer0 doesn’t continue further, they just looks ahead again and Rhys really, really, really, wants to ask what the hell that means.

 

“Uhm, then you guys… won’t ditch me if I don’t become a vault hunter? If I’m not… useful?”

 

Zer0 seems to consider the question for a few seconds before answering; Rhys is way too sweaty for the level of action he’s endured today.

 

“Productivity is an illusion / You only need to be yourself / And nothing else.”

 

Rhys blinks in confusion.

 

“I don’t think that’s how… it actually works. At all.” He laughs. Please. Rhys has been in Helios almost all his life. He has seen people get murdered the second they stopped being useful. What Zer0 is saying sounds absurd. Zer0 is absurd. They seems to consider Rhys’ words before speaking again.

 

“You’re a florist / You know how to cultivate flowers / and make them grow healthy.”

 

Rhys’ brow furrows in confusion again, he feels like he just skipped a step in the conversation.

 

“What does that have to do with productivity and being useful?”

 

“You’re the first florist I’ve ever seen / There are no flowers in Pandora / You’re an oddity just by being yourself” Zer0 is still looking ahead, at Salvador’s back. “I can fight if you don’t want to / But if you do, you are free to choose your own path / Maybe you’re not as easy to kill as you think.” Zer0 tilts their head “Although, I’d love to see some flowers grow at my backyard.”

 

“That is the farthest thing I’ve ever heard from a haiku.” Rhys looks at the floor, hiding his burning cheeks from Zer0’s inspection.

 

“Indeed.”

 

“Come on, we’re almost there!” Rhys begins to walk faster, glad for the first time that Salvador is an impatient little man.

 

When they turn around the corner Salvador is kneeling beside a large box, hiding from the guards at the hangar doors. Rhys ducks on instint, walking quietly towards Salvador and Claptrap. Zer0 is standing directly in front of the box, half-covered by a column. 

 

"Okay, Zer0 you should probably deal with those, if I do it the whole station will be here in seconds."

 

"No. / This is where I leave you / I still have a quest to complete." 

 

Rhys and Salvador go "what" at the same time. The vault hunter is the first one to speak. 

 

"Dude, amigo, pal, palerino, homie, Zer0, my guy. No. The whole station knows you're here, the cloaking device won't work for shit and most importantly YOU PROMISED ME I'D BE BACK BY SEVEN, YOU KNOW I HAVE A THING." 

 

"I promised / You don't have to wait for me / I brought you so you'd take him with you." 

 

"I HAVE A BANDIT CAMP TO BLOW UP, YOU KNOW THEY'RE WAITING FOR ME." 

 

"Guys, can you... not yell? We're kind of trying to, you know, don't get caught." Rhys looks from Zer0 to Salvador in dismay and quickly peeks above the box. The guards are far, and don't seem to have noticed them yet. Rhys looks back at the vault hunters. "Also, Salvador is right. They're on red alert, it's a miracle they don't know you're here already, but they will eventually start to look for cloaking-device interferences. Once they know it’s _you_ in here the whole station will become a battlefield of thousands of trained soldiers against you!" Zer0 doesn't look impressed. 

 

"Sounds like a challenge / I shall accept / Bring it on". 

 

"Oh my god, Zer0. I wasn't challenging you! I’m stating a fact, I’m saying why you shouldn’t stay on Helios!”

 

“You totally were.” Salvador looks at Rhys with an amused expression.

 

“Yeah.” Claptrap agrees, casually.

 

“I’m going to murder all of you, I swear to God.” Rhys puts a hand on his face, trying to smother himself to death ineffectively. ”Also, they’re probably finished with the analysis on the live feed of the station AND the identification of the corpse! Even if they don’t catch you while cloaking they will still know it was you!”

 

“I don’t care / I have a quest / and you owe me twenty bucks”

 

“Shit, it’s true.”

 

Rhys looks between the two vault hunters in bewilderment.

 

“Excuse me, what have I missed?”

 

Claptrap rolls to his side while the comm opens, for the first time, to Rhys. The girl he had heard was called Maya begins talking to him.

 

“They had a pool about who would be the one to murder Handsome Jack. All bets were on me, because, well, I’m a siren and I’m way smarter than them. Second was Zer0, then Salvador, then Axton. Nobody had a bet on Axton.”

 

The second male voice, presumably Axton, enters the conversation.

 

“Guys, my ego feels. Let’s not talk about it.”

 

“Shit, damn lucky Zer0. It’s not fair, they had a good chance. It should have been me.”

 

Rhys gapes in astonishment and immediately points a finger at Zer0.

 

“You fucking told me that you had confused my shop with R&D, YOU LIED TO MY FACE, YOU RUINED MY LIFE FOR A TWENTY-BUCKS BET. YOU COULD HAVE IGNORED IT AND GET YOUR SHITTY PLANT INSTEAD, YOU’D BE ALREADY OUT OF THE STATION AND I WOULD STILL HAVE MY LIFE.”

 

Zer0 just shrugs while shoving the money on the tiny backpack of their belt.

 

The absolute fucker. The motherfuck-

 

“Huh, what was that noise?” Rhys puts a hand over his mouth and Salvador grabs him, pulling him to his chest. Zer0 disappears in a static blur and Claptrap turns into a yellow and white box with a tiny scream.

 

One of the guards approaches the large box, looking at the empty corridor in both directions, then shrugs and goes back to his position. Rhys begins to whisper, talking to the air in all directions like a mad man.

 

“You’re not going to escape so easily from this conversation, you sneaky bastard. I will fucking get you. I promise.”

 

Salvador laughs softly behind him.

 

“I like this one, Zer0. He’s got some nerve.”

 

Zer0 materializes in front of Rhys, very close to his face. Way closer than Rhys had been expecting them to be.

 

They flashes a smiling emoji.

 

“I will find a way / to properly repay you / Don’t get mad, naïve one.”

 

Zer0 puts a hand on his head, petting him, and Rhys feels like his anger deflates almost completely. His ears burn, making him look abashed instead.

 

“I won’t get mad if you forget about the plant and come with us.” Rhys mutters, sounding like a petulant child.

 

Zer0 tilts their head with curiosity, then sighs.

 

“Very well.”

 


End file.
